We had been married less than 2 months when I found video porn on my work computer. I had thought it was odd that my internet browsing history kept disappearing. I had asked my husband about it but he didn't know anything. Then I found it. Somehow he missed a deletion. It's been more than 3 years since that incident and I can still see the image burned in my brain. I asked him about it. He admitted it. When I went to the gym in the afternoon he'd log me out of my work account, turn on porn, masturbate.
That was the day my confidence went away. That was the day I asked why I was not enough. Again.
Because this was my 2nd marriage. First marriage ended after I discovered that my husband had cheated on me with an escort from Craigslist. When I went through his computer that day I discovered a whole world I had no idea existed. Porn sites, escort ads, sites with young teenage girls. Those were the first images burned in my head and that was more than 6 years ago. (I don't know if they will ever fade but I hold out hope they do).
After my first marriage I went through a lot of counseling to heal and work on my self. It takes two people to be married and a village of support. So I am not blaming the porn or the escorts as the sole reason for my marriage to end.But they sure didn't help.After that I did get my groove back. I found myself. I found Jesus. And 2007 and 2008 were amazing years in my life filled with new friends, a new love, and amazing spiritual growth.
Then 2009 begins and BAM! Porn again.
After my 2nd marriage ended, I found myself once again. I knew there was me, and God. I knew God was with me, no matter what. I knew I was enough. It took getting out of that relationship to see myself through God's eyes again. To see myself as enough.
So where to go from here?...
